Civil Unrest has learnt today that some churches in the UK will be offering visitors rewards to attend and join in with their sermons. Tired of taking money from their faithful flock for yet another roof repair type campaign the church has decided that the only way to increase numbers is to pay for people to attend.
Think of it as being an incentive scheme that is modelled on air miles and instead is called church miles. Numerous rewards based on attendance and promotion of the church will determine the level of incentives available.
A two tier system based on the visitor type now exists in some of the churches. The paid aisles have heated seats, hot and cold refreshments and flip out mini LCD screens for the latest downloaded movies. The regulars church goers have to make do with the cold benches that help bring on piles and back complaints.
One anonymous church spokesman told Civil Unrest:
“People are becoming wiser and less tolerant to the stranglehold that religion has on people and the only way to increase numbers is to pay them to attend. Our churches our now packed to the rafters with people selling their places for money on the blackmarket for treble their face value”.
There are a few rules that the church would like you to adhere if you are a paid visitor:
- No need to join in with songs
- No need to pray
- No need to stand up and applaud
- No need to pretend that you like the person sitting next to you
- If you must take a phone call sit at the back of the church
You cannot beat capitalism and now that the church has discovered that a little investment one way now pays dividends the other way. Attendances to the church are now at the same level since medieval times and many in the community now have a second honest income courtesy of the house of God.