The Isle of Wight Inbred Festival 2016

Every summer in August brings the Isle of Wight Inbred Festival and a chance for the locals of the island to shag each other senseless whilst on first name terms such as mum, dad, sister and of course cousin.

Various activities allow them to indulge in showboating to find a potential new partner and the jackpot prize of a new genetic mutation. Dressed in their latest finery from the 1800s with wooden made shoes and all of them smelling like they need a wash.

Do not expect any of the locals on the Isle of Wight to be helpful one little bit. They hate outsiders and especially outsiders with money as they can be very bitter and envious of them. Thankfully modern car GPS devices mean that there is no need to speak to the them.

A tourist’s worst nightmare is missing the ferry off the island risking a night of inbred plunder by the local hillbillies. Be prepared to have your hair pulled, teeth plucked and stared at by the local population.

There is no racial prejudice on the Isle of Wight, if you look normal and good enough to eat than you are fair game. In the hot pot you go with some diced vegetables and your car pushed off the cliff into the Solent. Watch your nice shiny hire car float away whilst you learn your optimum cooking temperature and what seasoning goes well with your skin perplexion.

It must be noted that the only normal inhabitants on the inbred island are the ones currently locked up in HMP Parkhurst, the rest are a result of years of inbreeding. Obviously this excludes the wealthy patrons of the local sailing club who have their very own ‘blue blood’ inbreeding program that has operated for the last 1000 years.

We recommend that you give the Isle of Wight a very wide berth and the only real solution is to ask the military to carpet bomb the place on their way back from bombing Syria.